Giving it all to God

     Sometimes life can get in the way of dreams. The fact is, you can let it ruin your dreams and drown in despair, or you can change your dreams and live a life that is full and rewarding. I can honestly say that as a teenager, I would have never guessed that 30 years down the road, I would be where I am now. I have 7 kids, most of which are grown, but there's still a 15 and 7 year old left in the home, not to mention, we are raising 2 of our 6 grandchildren (both girls), and one of them has Down Syndrome.
     As a teenager, I didn't care much for children and didn't do much in the way of babysitting either. I wasn't one of those who did well being pregnant, either. So how, pray tell, did I end up in this predicament? I'll tell you how! Every time my heart would start to harden and I would begin to stray from God's course, he would throw a child, or more, into my life.
     The first one came in my early 20's (my son, Justin, who was born while I was in the Army). At this point in my life I didn't care much about anything at all, including God. When Justin was born, the love that I felt inside for him was overwhelming. Because of the love I felt for him, I fell in love with God for giving him to me and re-dedicated my life to Him.
    Then a few years down the line and after a couple of failed marriages, five more kids entered my life all at once (My husbands kids, which of course became mine; Jessica, Latosha, Cherie, Christian, and Alexia). At this point in my life, I was not resting in God like I should've and made all of my decisions without consulting Him. When these children came into my life, God gave me a love for them and compassion for all that they'd been through. Each and every one of them had a hold of my heart.
     Six years after that, one more child came my way (Ben, the only biological one of both my husband and myself) when I was going through tremendous struggles in my marriage, mainly to do with child-rearing. I was so ready to give up and was so sure that I had tried my best, then viola, there was Ben. With Ben came an intimacy that neither I, or my husband had ever felt before. I realized there had been many areas where I'd been wrong in and unwilling to budge in my marriage. And so, with the changes we both made in our marriage, life became better for a while.
     Six years later, we found our marriage in trouble again. The sad part is, the main reason our marriage was in trouble was because we were trying to help everyone and their brother. We would bring people into our lives and realize that it was too much of a strain on the immediate family and then send them packing. Not to mention, financially we couldn't even take care of our immediate family, let alone someone who was grown, or not our responsibility in the first place. We would also compromise our morals by not being completely up front with everyone about our situation. We had been hit hard financially by the economy and my husband who had at one time been a great provider, was struggling just to get food money. My husband is a great salesman and during this time he was doing all he knew how to make some kind of income, which would end up resulting in some people being swindled. It wasn't done purposely, but none-the-less, it was still swindling. I started reaching out to people outside of my family for comfort in the way of friends, and in the process, I would talk negatively about my life and marriage. I was compromising my morals on many levels. Through all of this we both maintained a relationship with God, but never entrusting God with our lives and that of our children.
     I would say that our marriage was just about getting to the end when God brought two more children into our lives (my granddaughters). By this point, we had no intention of taking custody of these girls. Financially and mentally, life was just too hard. Our goal was to hand them off to whoever the State deemed fit as soon as we could. The day we went to the meeting to decide the temporary fate of the girls, there was a panel of six social workers. We had the girls packed and ready to go to whatever home was chosen. At this point in my life, I was tired of life. I was tired of trying to make all of the decisions and carrying everyone's problems, to boot. When you have a large family, there is always going to be someone going through some kind of trial, its just a fact. At the last minute, right before we walked into that meeting, we prayed to God earnestly and wholeheartedly that His Will be done. We were exhausted from life! During that meeting, those six social workers faced us and told us that it would be traumatic for the girls to leave our custody and that they should remain with us if we were willing. What could we say to that? No, we didn't want them? It was very evident to both my husband and myself that the Lord had made His decision. We knew that if we were going to take these girls on, we were going to have to make drastic changes in our lives and our marriage for this to work.
     Still, there were so many things that we had to deal with because of the messes we had made prior to this. We had three people living in our house, that we knew shouldn't live there. One, of which, was our 19 year old son. We had rules in place at our house that were not being followed and we would compromise on them because we didn't want to just toss him out on the curb, not to mention he'd pre-paid his rent and we didn't have the money to give it back to him. Everything came to a head one evening when the rules had been severely broke, and at that point, I knew that I needed to trust in God and give it all to Him. I knew that He was telling me that I needed to set boundaries and stand by them, which meant, my son had to leave. I'm not going to lie, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest in those first few days. All I could do was cling to God. He was my only comfort, and during those days I fell completely head over heals in love with Him. It was what He'd wanted all along. The fact is, until this time, I had always loved my children more than Him and my marriage. My priorities had always been screwed up. Because of that, I never could trust God with my kids, nor could I give Him my marriage. Our God is a jealous God.         Exodus 34:14 NIV   "Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God."  This was finally the moment that God had been waiting for my whole life, complete and utter submission!  Both my husband and myself gave everything over to God. We no longer wanted to make any decisions on our own, we wanted to stop relying on ourselves and rely on Him.
     Since that day our marriage and our household has been the best its ever been! There are no lies and no compromises in our marriage and our lives anymore. Outside of God, my husband is my best friend. When I need a woman to hang out with, my mom has proven to be the best girlfriend I've ever had. She was here all along and I didn't even realize it.
     God has made it possible to pay our son back the money that was owed and it actually benefited him, because he was able to pay for a mandatory class he had to take, food to live on, insurance for his car and a cell phone for his pocket with the payments we are making him. Where he lives and how he pays for it is entirely on him, though. And in the process, he's becoming a responsible adult and is learning to work hard for what he wants in life. He's also learning that he needs to look to God.
     We no longer bear the burdens of our older children, because we have given them over to God. No longer do we stress about what is going on in their lives because we've given Him control. No longer do we worry about where the next check is coming from, because we trust in Him to provide. And with this trust, He has provided! Honesty is truly the best policy in work ethics and relationships.
     I don't even know where to begin when talking about these precious little girls He's put in our care. These girls have turned our house upside down, inside out, and anything else you can imagine. But, I wouldn't trade them for the world! They came to us as two very angry little girls and now they are both thriving, happy, healthy, and very loving little girls! The first couple of months with them living here is a bit of a blur, because it was definitely a trial. But, the fact is, We've had God helping us through it all and giving us the patience we needed when handling these girls. They've changed our lives for the better.
     Looking back, I would say that God used my children to get my attention. It appears that He has a warped sense of humor, seeing as I wasn't much of a kid person.  He definitely has my attention now! I'm going to seek His plan, and only His plan for the rest of my life, because, frankly, I don't want any more children! I love the ones I have with all of my heart, but, enough is enough! =)
     I'm not saying that I was turning my back on God each of those times, because, for the past 20 years I've had what I thought was a close relationship with God. But, there have been many times when I figured I would handle things on my own and not ask Him which direction He was wanting me to take, because I knew which direction I wanted to take. Not to mention, all of the times where I wanted to control the circumstances and wouldn't give it all over to Him. Separation from God doesn't always mean that a person is turning their back on Him. Separation can also happen because you've let something come between you and Him and you are withholding from Him. "It is because of your sins that he doesn't hear you. It is your sins that separate you from God when you try to worship him." Isaiah 59:2.  I would say that's probably the most heartbreaking type of separation, because you want so badly to be close to Him, but there's that wall that's been constructed by you, that stands between you and Him, and you just can't get over it to be with Him. The only way to get over that wall is to give it all to Him. Go to Him on everything! And, if He doesn't seem to be answering you, then you wait on Him. "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31. Eventually God will give you His answer.  
     It's no joke that "Some people have to learn the hard way", and the fact is, I'm one of those people. After forty some odd years, I'm just learning that I don't have to bear my own burdens and that of everyone else either. He's there for that, if I just give it all to Him. He wants us to give it all to Him!