The Roller Coaster of Life

Today I was thinking about the fact that I can't stand dramatic situations. I'm probably the least dramatic person I know, and yet, drama seems to follow me every step of the way. Even as a teenager, I seemed to steer away from drama, while most of my friends were caught up in one heartbreak or another. I think where I went wrong was that I decided to have a big family. Actually, I shouldn't say "where I went wrong", but that, where I let the drama into my life. If I'd stayed single, and didn't have any kids, or marriage, or friendships, I think I would've escaped most of the roller coaster ride that has plagued my life.

I'm a "dog" person and I love my pups. In particular, my chihuahuas. I have a poodle too, who I love immensely, but I don't put him in the dog category, he's more like one of my kids. We've had him for 13 years and he's pretty dramatic as far as dogs go. At times I think that I could've easily just spent my life on a dog compound surrounded by nothing but dogs. I like to refer to them as my garden. Some people use gardening as therapy, but the fact of the matter is, I kill plants. So, I have my pups who I love to tend to. Working and playing with them are my therapy. There have been many times in the past that I have thought that I care much more for my dogs than I do for the human race. Its probably because I have spent the past 25 or more years working in customer service. Not to mention that dogs will be loyal to the end and love you no matter what as long as you show them love. There are no "I will love you if you give me a bone", or "I will love you if you stay away from that person", with them. They are uncomplicated. They will never talk about you behind your back, nor will they leave you if you don't live life their way. All you have to do is show them love and make sure they are well fed and you've got a friend for life. The only problem is, they really don't make a person strive to be the best that they can be, on a whole. As a matter of fact, they may even cause a person to fall into complacency, because a dog accepts everything about their owners, even the traits that need to be changed.

The fact of the matter is, a healthy person is one who can interact with the general population and still be able to love one another and themselves, even in the worst of conditions. With that established, I have come to realize that I love my family and I love people. Every lasting/happy memory I have involves a human . God has called us to love one another, as stated in John 13:34,

34 "Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another.

And, as much as people can be pains in the butts, they are created in His Image. I've learned, though, that there is a huge difference between love and like. I can honestly say that I love my children with all of my heart, but there have been many times when I didn't like them so much. He doesn't call us to let people run over us or use us. He calls us to love them with a sincere heart. He calls us to care for their souls.

In order to have a successful loving relationship with a person when you have a relationship with God, you must put God at the forefront of that relationship. Everything you do with that person, must be in accordance with God's Word. If it is not, then your life will be filled with more drama than you'll know what to do with. I've found that drama exists in my life because I've toed the line many times and have kept my mouth shut when I knew what was being done was wrong. I made excuses for why I didn't stand up for what I knew was right and I've made excuses for why I allowed myself to behave in ways that I knew was not glorifying to God. When you do that, you will most assuredly have drama in your life. Life is so much more fulfilling and uncomplicated when you let your "yes" be your "yes" and your "no" be your "no" without the excuses to go along with it. Take it from me, I've spent a good part of my adult life hedging around the heart of the issue because I didn't want to hurt feelings or make people uncomfortable. The fact is, the more I did that, the worse the end result would turn out to be.

I have chosen to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. The reason I have chosen His path is because I have tried just about every other path there is and have found that every other path has led to a dead end and unhappiness for me. With Him in my life, I am complete. There is no loneliness and sadness when I'm seeking His favor. But, with that relationship, I have the responsibility to give Him all of me and not half, because that is the deal I made with Him in exchange for everlasting life and peace of mind. Whenever I break my end of the bargain, there are consequences I must face. Most of the time those consequences are for me to have to clean up the messes I've made. Have I mentioned that I hate cleaning up messes?!

In Ezekiel 23:35 it say:

35 "Therefore this is what the Sovereign Lord says: Since you have forgotten me and turned your back on me, you must bear the consequences of your lewdness and prostitution."

Now, let me make myself clear, I don't believe I've ever been lewd, nor have I ever prostituted myself in the literal sense of the word, but when you're not going in accordance to God's Word, you are going against Him, which means that you are essentially prostituting yourself to the world. Yuck! Now that sounds lewd! That's why, as a christian, I must take commitments seriously. I want nothing more than to thrive in God's love. But, even more than that, I want my children to thrive in His love too. And, the only way I know to show them, is by living it myself. God is good and He only wants our love and devotion.

Proverbs 11:28

28 A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree.

If we will just trust in God and give Him control of our lives we will no longer have to carry our own burdens. In today's roller coaster of a life, there are so many burdens that cross our paths. So much heartbreak. I have tried to live without God calling the shots, and each time I have failed. You ask me, "how do I know there is a God?" I will tell you, that its because of the times that I've lived without Him that I know that He exists. I am unable to live a healthy/happy life without Him!

Psalm 55:22

22 Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

The fact is, life is a roller coaster. We can either be terrified of it and refuse to ride it, or we can sit back securely strapped into our seats and enjoy the ride, all the while, knowing that our Father will carry us through it.

One Day at a Time

Every day is a new day and I will seize each day like it will be my last! This is really how I would like it to be, but the truth of the matter is, at least every other day I wake up thinking that what I would really like to do is go on vacation. Hahaha! What can I say, I'm human! I'm so thankful that God has given me the life that I have and the family that I have. He is ever present in my life and my marriage, and not many people have that joy.

I'm not saying that there is no strife in my life, as a matter of fact, last night at work, I thought I was going to have a heart attack! My parents own a sport fishing boat and I work for them. I had prayed a couple of months ago that the fishing season would end with a "bang" this year for my parents. I guess, what I didn't count on, was that God would actually answer my prayer. Shame on me! Last night we went from having a few spots left on our boat to being overbooked by 5, which is a significant amount when you are dealing with finding a place for everyone to sleep not to mention what we advertised our load to be. As our surprise guests were showing up, I was trying to figure out a way to hide them from my mom, so as not to cause her anymore stress than she already had. She has had Atrial Fibrillation in the past, so I'm very conscious about trying to alleviate whatever stress I can. So, when it appeared that there was no way for me to cover it up I began to have a major panic attack, so much so, that I grabbed one of my earphones that was connected to my phone and placed it in my ear that was not visible to the customers and began listening to my music to calm me down. I relied on music to soothe me over God.

Matthew 6:34 says

"34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Not once did I stop and ask God for guidance. It just didn't occur to me. I'm trying so hard these days to put everything in His hands. And for the most part, I've done a remarkable job with putting my kids in His care. That used to be my biggest problem, but now I realize that I never really truly put everything in His hands. The minute we come to a situation where we begin to stress or feel control start slipping away, we need to hand it over to Him.

Psalm 46:1-5

"1 t
God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.

2 So we will not fear when earthquakes come

and the mountains crumble into the sea.

3 Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! Interlude

4 A river brings joy to the city of our God,
the sacred home of the Most High.

5 God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed.
From the very break of day, God will protect it."

I'm so thankful that He gives this to us! Everyday is a new day in Him and we need to choose to let Him be in control of it. I don't know about you, but I'm not equipped to handle so many of life's challenges. But, through Him, we are equipped to handle everything!

Giving it all to God

     Sometimes life can get in the way of dreams. The fact is, you can let it ruin your dreams and drown in despair, or you can change your dreams and live a life that is full and rewarding. I can honestly say that as a teenager, I would have never guessed that 30 years down the road, I would be where I am now. I have 7 kids, most of which are grown, but there's still a 15 and 7 year old left in the home, not to mention, we are raising 2 of our 6 grandchildren (both girls), and one of them has Down Syndrome.
     As a teenager, I didn't care much for children and didn't do much in the way of babysitting either. I wasn't one of those who did well being pregnant, either. So how, pray tell, did I end up in this predicament? I'll tell you how! Every time my heart would start to harden and I would begin to stray from God's course, he would throw a child, or more, into my life.
     The first one came in my early 20's (my son, Justin, who was born while I was in the Army). At this point in my life I didn't care much about anything at all, including God. When Justin was born, the love that I felt inside for him was overwhelming. Because of the love I felt for him, I fell in love with God for giving him to me and re-dedicated my life to Him.
    Then a few years down the line and after a couple of failed marriages, five more kids entered my life all at once (My husbands kids, which of course became mine; Jessica, Latosha, Cherie, Christian, and Alexia). At this point in my life, I was not resting in God like I should've and made all of my decisions without consulting Him. When these children came into my life, God gave me a love for them and compassion for all that they'd been through. Each and every one of them had a hold of my heart.
     Six years after that, one more child came my way (Ben, the only biological one of both my husband and myself) when I was going through tremendous struggles in my marriage, mainly to do with child-rearing. I was so ready to give up and was so sure that I had tried my best, then viola, there was Ben. With Ben came an intimacy that neither I, or my husband had ever felt before. I realized there had been many areas where I'd been wrong in and unwilling to budge in my marriage. And so, with the changes we both made in our marriage, life became better for a while.
     Six years later, we found our marriage in trouble again. The sad part is, the main reason our marriage was in trouble was because we were trying to help everyone and their brother. We would bring people into our lives and realize that it was too much of a strain on the immediate family and then send them packing. Not to mention, financially we couldn't even take care of our immediate family, let alone someone who was grown, or not our responsibility in the first place. We would also compromise our morals by not being completely up front with everyone about our situation. We had been hit hard financially by the economy and my husband who had at one time been a great provider, was struggling just to get food money. My husband is a great salesman and during this time he was doing all he knew how to make some kind of income, which would end up resulting in some people being swindled. It wasn't done purposely, but none-the-less, it was still swindling. I started reaching out to people outside of my family for comfort in the way of friends, and in the process, I would talk negatively about my life and marriage. I was compromising my morals on many levels. Through all of this we both maintained a relationship with God, but never entrusting God with our lives and that of our children.
     I would say that our marriage was just about getting to the end when God brought two more children into our lives (my granddaughters). By this point, we had no intention of taking custody of these girls. Financially and mentally, life was just too hard. Our goal was to hand them off to whoever the State deemed fit as soon as we could. The day we went to the meeting to decide the temporary fate of the girls, there was a panel of six social workers. We had the girls packed and ready to go to whatever home was chosen. At this point in my life, I was tired of life. I was tired of trying to make all of the decisions and carrying everyone's problems, to boot. When you have a large family, there is always going to be someone going through some kind of trial, its just a fact. At the last minute, right before we walked into that meeting, we prayed to God earnestly and wholeheartedly that His Will be done. We were exhausted from life! During that meeting, those six social workers faced us and told us that it would be traumatic for the girls to leave our custody and that they should remain with us if we were willing. What could we say to that? No, we didn't want them? It was very evident to both my husband and myself that the Lord had made His decision. We knew that if we were going to take these girls on, we were going to have to make drastic changes in our lives and our marriage for this to work.
     Still, there were so many things that we had to deal with because of the messes we had made prior to this. We had three people living in our house, that we knew shouldn't live there. One, of which, was our 19 year old son. We had rules in place at our house that were not being followed and we would compromise on them because we didn't want to just toss him out on the curb, not to mention he'd pre-paid his rent and we didn't have the money to give it back to him. Everything came to a head one evening when the rules had been severely broke, and at that point, I knew that I needed to trust in God and give it all to Him. I knew that He was telling me that I needed to set boundaries and stand by them, which meant, my son had to leave. I'm not going to lie, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest in those first few days. All I could do was cling to God. He was my only comfort, and during those days I fell completely head over heals in love with Him. It was what He'd wanted all along. The fact is, until this time, I had always loved my children more than Him and my marriage. My priorities had always been screwed up. Because of that, I never could trust God with my kids, nor could I give Him my marriage. Our God is a jealous God.         Exodus 34:14 NIV   "Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God."  This was finally the moment that God had been waiting for my whole life, complete and utter submission!  Both my husband and myself gave everything over to God. We no longer wanted to make any decisions on our own, we wanted to stop relying on ourselves and rely on Him.
     Since that day our marriage and our household has been the best its ever been! There are no lies and no compromises in our marriage and our lives anymore. Outside of God, my husband is my best friend. When I need a woman to hang out with, my mom has proven to be the best girlfriend I've ever had. She was here all along and I didn't even realize it.
     God has made it possible to pay our son back the money that was owed and it actually benefited him, because he was able to pay for a mandatory class he had to take, food to live on, insurance for his car and a cell phone for his pocket with the payments we are making him. Where he lives and how he pays for it is entirely on him, though. And in the process, he's becoming a responsible adult and is learning to work hard for what he wants in life. He's also learning that he needs to look to God.
     We no longer bear the burdens of our older children, because we have given them over to God. No longer do we stress about what is going on in their lives because we've given Him control. No longer do we worry about where the next check is coming from, because we trust in Him to provide. And with this trust, He has provided! Honesty is truly the best policy in work ethics and relationships.
     I don't even know where to begin when talking about these precious little girls He's put in our care. These girls have turned our house upside down, inside out, and anything else you can imagine. But, I wouldn't trade them for the world! They came to us as two very angry little girls and now they are both thriving, happy, healthy, and very loving little girls! The first couple of months with them living here is a bit of a blur, because it was definitely a trial. But, the fact is, We've had God helping us through it all and giving us the patience we needed when handling these girls. They've changed our lives for the better.
     Looking back, I would say that God used my children to get my attention. It appears that He has a warped sense of humor, seeing as I wasn't much of a kid person.  He definitely has my attention now! I'm going to seek His plan, and only His plan for the rest of my life, because, frankly, I don't want any more children! I love the ones I have with all of my heart, but, enough is enough! =)
     I'm not saying that I was turning my back on God each of those times, because, for the past 20 years I've had what I thought was a close relationship with God. But, there have been many times when I figured I would handle things on my own and not ask Him which direction He was wanting me to take, because I knew which direction I wanted to take. Not to mention, all of the times where I wanted to control the circumstances and wouldn't give it all over to Him. Separation from God doesn't always mean that a person is turning their back on Him. Separation can also happen because you've let something come between you and Him and you are withholding from Him. "It is because of your sins that he doesn't hear you. It is your sins that separate you from God when you try to worship him." Isaiah 59:2.  I would say that's probably the most heartbreaking type of separation, because you want so badly to be close to Him, but there's that wall that's been constructed by you, that stands between you and Him, and you just can't get over it to be with Him. The only way to get over that wall is to give it all to Him. Go to Him on everything! And, if He doesn't seem to be answering you, then you wait on Him. "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31. Eventually God will give you His answer.  
     It's no joke that "Some people have to learn the hard way", and the fact is, I'm one of those people. After forty some odd years, I'm just learning that I don't have to bear my own burdens and that of everyone else either. He's there for that, if I just give it all to Him. He wants us to give it all to Him!