The Real Me

Who am I? Sometimes I think I know and sometimes I feel its a mystery. Inside, I want to be the one who shouts out without hesitation that I am a child of God! Yet, there are some days when sin slithers in and crumbles whatever wall of strength I believed I'd built. I know in my mind and my heart that I am truly a child of God, but I also know that I'm so unworhty as is all of the human population. But sometimes the knowledge of my sins make me question everything about myself. I know that I'm forgiven and I also know that I was born a sinner, but that knowledge doesn't always bring comfort to my soul. I want to be blameless and a light unto this world, but at times (most times) I feel so insignificant and have no idea about what I could possibly have to offer this world in a way that would bring glory to God. I'm me. Insignificant me. Full of sin me. And yet, I know that it is people like me that our Father uses to bring a light into this world. And then, it all makes perfect sense, I'm me, the me that God created.

Raising Granddaughters

I have found that it is not easy raising grandchildren. Not that I thought it would be, but I didn't think that it could be too much tougher than raising your own children. My youngest child is 7 and I thought that there wouldn't be too much of a time gap between him and my granddaughters. Actually my older granddaughter is 7 also, and she's 6 weeks older than my youngest son. But, she has Down Syndrome, which puts her on the level of a toddler. My other granddaughter that we are raising is 2. Yes, that's right, the terrible 2's! I guess what I didn't count on was the damage that was done prior to them coming to live with us. I'm finding that even an infant can be affected and retain memories of an abusive life. These girls are totally out of my realm of expertise. And, I considered myself somewhat of an expert seeing as I birthed 2 sons and raised a total of 5 other kids on top of the 2 that I had. Not true! I am an amateur! Nothing prepared me for these girls and the anger that they brought with them. Every day I feel as if I'm mediating a war between worlds. I can't leave the 7 year old Down Syndrome granddaughter alone in the play room for any length of time because she ends up clobbering the 2 year old. I swear that she's (the 7 yr. old) the strongest child I know! Its a vicious cycle, the 2 year old is a space invader because she likes being close to people, and the 7 year old hates when anyone invades her space. It doesn't make for a good combination. The funny thing is, when they are separated for any length of time, they miss each other incredibly, and during that separation all they can talk about is when the other one will get home. When its time for bed, the 2 year old acts like you are literally beating her when you are laying her down (I know that's common for a 2 year old, but I've never seen it so excessive), whereas the 7 year old is out cold within 5 minutes. But, in the middle of the night or very early morning, the 7 year old wakes up and decides she needs to wake her sister up to play, which makes for a very cranky baby. I'm telling you, it is a vicious cycle and it happens daily. I feel like I'm a character in the remake of the movie "Ground hog day". It can be quite comical, but trying at the same time. You'd think after consistency and constant training, things would be changing. Don't get me wrong, things have changed dramatically from how they were when we first got them, but it seemed they stopped progressing after the 3rd month and we've been at a standstill ever since. My son feels that he is responsible for our 7 year old granddaughter when they are at school, which has led to conflict between the two. Its our fault, because we've always told him to make sure that she gets to her class, but when she's refusing to cooperate, which Down Syndrome people tend to do, it makes it quite hard on him. Another lesson learned! Do not put another child in charge of a mentally handicapped child.

I know that I sound like I'm complaining and maybe I am a little, but the fact remains that I truly love these girls and am thankful that God blessed us with them and that they are now safe from the violent lifestyle that they were living in. I just wanted to give people an idea of what foster families go through when taking in children. The money that they make, just barely covers the cost of raising a child, if that, and the emotional and mental toll it takes on the fostering family is definitely not worth the money. These girls are our granddaughters and it is still such a struggle, whereas foster parents taking in strangers have it tougher in some areas. Then again, not so tough in other areas, such as, there is a relationship with the parent that the children were taken from and they have to make a decision to be on the side of the children instead of that parent who may be a child, sister, brother, etc. to the relative foster parents. In our case, its our daughter that they were taken from and the reason they were taken was because of drug addiction and spousal abuse. We're not sure whether they were abused, but I wouldn't count it out. We have had to make the choice to turn our backs on our daughter to save our granddaughters. We are having to face the facts that we raised a child who has turned her back on her own children and has chosen addictions and relationships over her baby girls. Its quite heartbreaking if we were to dwell on it. But, lucky for us, we choose to dwell on Jesus Christ. He's the only reason we are able to look forward to the future and what it holds for us, our children, and our grandchildren. We have also come to terms with the fact that our daughter is choosing a lifestyle that will probably kill her if she doesn't get out of it. We are prepared for the worst, and yet we don't dwell on it. We will probably end up adopting our granddaughters because it doesn't look promising that she is going to turn her life around in the time frame that the state is giving her. If it comes to that, then we are going to have to change our thought process from grandparents to parents. No longer will we be known as Mema and Papa, but Mama and Daddy. They already call me Mama, and I don't correct them because they need to feel that they have a mommy and daddy present. It really is so sad that so many kids are let down and abandoned by their parents, but you are seeing it more and more in these days and times. It shows how far we have fallen from God. The verse that motivates me in my daily living with these children is Mark 9:42 42 “But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone hung around your neck.

I don't want to be the one who causes these little ones to fall. I want to be the one who will carry them through when they need to be carried and be there to support and cheer them on in their future.

Trusting in God

This past weekend we attended 3 services to send our core staff out from West Salem Foursquare to plant a church in Dallas, Oregon. To be honest, each service held something different in it and in each service I was touched by different things.

In the first service, which was Saturday evening, my brother-in-law was ordained as a fully licensed foursquare minister. I was so proud of him! I have to say, though, the part that choked me up the most was when my eyes drifted over to my sister, his wife, who was standing next him, and I saw my mom instead. I realized at that moment how much she has taken on my mom's mannerisms over the years. We were so blessed to grow up with the parents that we had and to take on the likeness of my mom is a true blessing in and of itself. I'm so thankful that God brought us here to be a part of such a great beginning.

One of the things that I took with me from those services actually came from Darrin, my brother-in-law, when he did the benediction. He talked about the difference between believing and trusting in God. I never really thought about it before like that. A good majority of the people believe in God, but how many of us truly trust in Him in all aspects of our lives? I recently, over the last several months, have begun to understand the difference between the two. To make the move we made from California to Oregon, we had to put our trust in God and believe that He would make a way for us. We believed and knew that he could, but we chose to trust and know that He would. That's the difference between belief and trust, its the knowing that God will take you through, no matter the circumstances. In Proverbs 3:5-6 it says

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.6 Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

Tonight as I think about all that God has in store for us and the future He's led us into, I can't help but to wait in anticipation like a child would on Christmas morning!

Starting Off the New Year

Wow, this last year went by in a blur! I'm so looking forward to this new year and pray that it will continue to bring changes in our lives that started at the end of 2011. We are now living in Dallas Oregon and braving the chilly and rainy weather. To be honest, I truly love this weather. I'm not so sure that Rob likes it as much as me, but I think he's starting to adjust. The kids are loving it out here and they are thriving. Raising the girls are a tough job, but we're praying that God's Will be done in their lives. Up here, in Oregon, we are considered family foster parents. We had to take foster parent classes, which I highly recommed to anyone who takes in children into their homes that are not their own. The coping skills they teach you are fantastic. 9 times out of 10, children that come to live in other people's/family's homes are ones that are coming from a not so good lifestyle, and there are going to be times when you are going to want to bang your head against a wall and ask God "why me?!" These classes gave me a better understanding, not to mention, they put me in contact with other families going through what we're going through. So many things come up on a daily basis that just blow my mind with these girls and make me realize that they've probably see things that I've never seen.
So, needless to say, we are going to start this year off with a bang and attempt to get our unruly crowd under control! ;-)