Where Do We Go From Here?

     Have you ever been at the end of a place in your life, when a turning point is on the horizon, and asking yourself, "where do I go from here"? Lately, I've been at that place in my life. I know that God has something in store for me, but I'm just not sure which way to turn. Saying goodbye to the old ways of life, can almost be like the death of a loved one. You find yourself feeling at a loss, not knowing which way to turn.

     How do we know which direction God is taking us? If anything, I've come to realize, that to wait on God is our only option. He will make it clear which direction we need to head in. Most times God's timing does not coincide with my timing. I do know, though, that His timing is always the perfect timing. My timing always bodes for trouble. Not waiting for God, is almost like being in a really important race, that you've spent months training for, and as you're waiting for the starter's pistol to announce the start of the race, you find you are so keyed up that you take off running before the gun goes off. You have now "jumped the gun" and all those months of training mean nothing, because you have been disqualified from the race. Its the same for those who jump the gun on God, it doesn't matter how much knowledge or training you've had, it all means nothing without God's blessing.

     I've been at this place in my life over the past several months, where I really want to be doing something great.  I'm tired of living a mediocre life. What, that great thing is, I have no clue. I do know, that whatever that great thing is, I want it to be blessed by God. I want the next steps in my life to glorify Him. I want the rest of the steps in my life to glorify Him. To be able to share His love and show it at the same time. I want people to be able to see Him in my eyes and my life.

     For so many years I have been quick with everything. Quick to start, quick to quit, quick tempered, quick to give up, quick to volunteer, and quick to make decisions.  I want to spend time finding out what He wants from me. Seeking only Him in my quest to do something great. I also have to realize that my idea of "great" and His idea of "great" are probably two totally different ideas. Knowing what you're suppose to be doing in life and actually doing it can often times lead to humbling experiences. But, that's okay, that's how we learn to lean on Him and let Him do the leading.

     Change is in the air, and I can almost taste it. I'm looking forward to starting the rest of my life and following His plan. Life will be so much more rewarding doing it God's way instead of mine.

 

The Joy of Life

     I'm sitting here today, looking out the window at the cloudy sky (which is a norm for Oregon), wondering what makes one person find joy in their surroundings and another find desolation. I've found that no matter where I go, I can find joy in my surroundings. I'm so thankful to be able to do that, although, I have to give full credit to God for that.
     When I look outside and see storm clouds, I feel a sense of comfort. The kind you feel when you are curled up next to a fire with a nice hot mug of coffee, tea or hot chocolate (extra marshmallows, of course). And, when I look outside and see the sun shining in the big blue sky, I feel a sense of excitement, as if I'm about to embark on an adventure.
     So, my question is, why do some people become depressed with their surroundings and yearn for change? How does a person drag themselves out of the depths of depression caused by their surroundings? Is there anything I, as a friend, spouse or colleague can do to alleviate that feeling?

     I'm no stranger to depression. I've been there several times, as a matter of fact. I truly believe it is a sickness, brought on by a chemical imbalance, in many cases. I find myself falling into a depression when there is a significant life change, such as a move, or a new relationship that doesn't quite click with the lifestyle that I'm accustomed to. Or, when I have too much on my plate and I feel that I'm letting the people that I care about most, down.
     It's easy enough for others to say, when you're a believer, that all you need to do is focus more on God and turn it all over to Him. That is totally true, but the fact of the matter is, when I've been depressed, all I do is focus on God, read the Bible and pray. But I also know, that when I'm in a full fledged depression, I've never felt so separated from God, even though I'm in constant prayer and meditation on Him. The feeling is, almost like, an out of body experience. You know what you need to do to change things, but you have the inability to do it. The temporary solution is always to run away from whatever is causing this depression or curl up in a ball and do nothing about it. But, all running away ever does, is prolong the inevitable. You may feel good for a little, but in the end, the depression, or the miserableness creeps back in. Running away never truly deals with the problem. I know this, because I am an expert in this field with firsthand experience. I would rather not acknowledge that there is a problem and hope that it disappears, than to tackle it head on and take the chance of making myself more miserable and alienating those closest to me. Unfortunately, when the root of the problem is not dealt with, it festers and becomes infected. Sometimes, the solution to the problem is not going to make everyone happy, but, then again, when a person is depressed, the people who are in closest proximity to that person, suffer as much, if not more, than the actual person. They have to walk on eggshells whenever they are around that person, which results in a feeling of helplessness that can sometimes manifest into angry outbursts. Depression doesn't just affect one person. It affects everybody that is in contact with that person.

     As a christian, who chooses to follow God, I find that when depression begins to settle in on me, as long as I do my best to search out God and His Wisdom, it will eventually be revealed to me which path I should take to rid myself of the burden. Sadness and depression should never dictate our lives! As a believer, this verse really struck a cord with me. I don't want to die with regrets!

2 Corinthians 10
10 Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets.


     I'm not meaning to sound all doom and gloom, but I'm a Bible believer and that is where I draw my comfort from and my directions in life. It's my belief system.  A person suffering from depression needs to seek out what they are most passionate about and look for hope in those passions. I'm most passionate about God, so I take comfort in His Word.


Jeremiah 29:11
11 I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for.


     This verse brings me comfort when I feel the world closing in on me, and that one more day seems too much to bear. It doesn't necessarily bring me out of my depression upon reading it, but it gives me hope, and hope is the beginning of overcoming depression. Focusing on your passions (healthy passions), is another step to overcoming depression.  Attaining your hopes and dreams doesn't come overnight. It takes time, but as long as you're headed in the direction of those dreams, you're doing something that takes your mind off of the unbearable. Baby steps are what is needed as a beginning in finding your way back from the edge of despair and desolation. Once you begin to take those steps, you will slowly, but surely, begin to feel a sense of freedom.

To Write Or Not To Write

     So, it seems that I've taken a break from writing. I have spent the past month trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, and I believe that I've come to the conclusion, that I want to write. I got a little self conscious about posting my blogs because I've heard people say, "people who blog are only trying to get attention", or something to the like of it. The fact of the matter is, anyone who knows the real me, knows that I hate attention! I would rather hide in the back of a crowd any day of the week, rather than be thrust to the front of it.
     Truth be told, there are only a few things that I am passionate about in my life, first being God, my family, my pets, and writing. I love to write! I'm not content with just writing in a journal. I've spent the last several years journaling, and I find that its not as stimulating as I want it to be. Does that make sense? I guess, one way of explaining it would be to liken it to someone who loves to sing. Most people who love to sing have to get it out one way or another. A person who truly loves to sing, is not content with just singing in their mind or all closed up in a room where they can't be heard. They want to sing out loud. They want to be heard, whether they're heard by them self or by somebody else.
     For the last several years I've just been trying so hard to keep up with my family and the hectic pace of life, that I forgot what my dreams were. There was a point in time when all I wanted to do was write. Somewhere along the way, I lost my creativity. I think it was probably after I struck off to live my life without a plan of how I was actually going to live it. I guess when you don't map things out, you tend to get lost. And lost I got! I've been on the roller coaster ride of life and am now just finally getting to the point where I don't want to zoom through life anymore. I want to take my time and appreciate what God has blessed me with. I've always pushed ahead just to be able to make it to the next step, never really paying attention to where that next step was actually taking me. There was never any time for reflection. After spending the last few months just trying to catch my breath, I realized that I want to reflect! I want to stop and listen to the birds in the trees, spend time just watching my kids experience life, feel the raindrops on my face and not panic about the mess its going to make of my hair. Okay, I guess I'd better be honest, I don't think I've ever panicked about the mess my hair was going to be in because of the rain, but it sounded good anyway.
     So starting today, I'm going to try this blogging thing again, just so that I can at least start feeling like I'm going some where with my writing. I want to start experiencing things, and share those experiences in my writings. Whether you choose to read or not read, is up to you. But, at least I know that I'm finally doing what I love to do!

The Real Me

Who am I? Sometimes I think I know and sometimes I feel its a mystery. Inside, I want to be the one who shouts out without hesitation that I am a child of God! Yet, there are some days when sin slithers in and crumbles whatever wall of strength I believed I'd built. I know in my mind and my heart that I am truly a child of God, but I also know that I'm so unworhty as is all of the human population. But sometimes the knowledge of my sins make me question everything about myself. I know that I'm forgiven and I also know that I was born a sinner, but that knowledge doesn't always bring comfort to my soul. I want to be blameless and a light unto this world, but at times (most times) I feel so insignificant and have no idea about what I could possibly have to offer this world in a way that would bring glory to God. I'm me. Insignificant me. Full of sin me. And yet, I know that it is people like me that our Father uses to bring a light into this world. And then, it all makes perfect sense, I'm me, the me that God created.

Raising Granddaughters

I have found that it is not easy raising grandchildren. Not that I thought it would be, but I didn't think that it could be too much tougher than raising your own children. My youngest child is 7 and I thought that there wouldn't be too much of a time gap between him and my granddaughters. Actually my older granddaughter is 7 also, and she's 6 weeks older than my youngest son. But, she has Down Syndrome, which puts her on the level of a toddler. My other granddaughter that we are raising is 2. Yes, that's right, the terrible 2's! I guess what I didn't count on was the damage that was done prior to them coming to live with us. I'm finding that even an infant can be affected and retain memories of an abusive life. These girls are totally out of my realm of expertise. And, I considered myself somewhat of an expert seeing as I birthed 2 sons and raised a total of 5 other kids on top of the 2 that I had. Not true! I am an amateur! Nothing prepared me for these girls and the anger that they brought with them. Every day I feel as if I'm mediating a war between worlds. I can't leave the 7 year old Down Syndrome granddaughter alone in the play room for any length of time because she ends up clobbering the 2 year old. I swear that she's (the 7 yr. old) the strongest child I know! Its a vicious cycle, the 2 year old is a space invader because she likes being close to people, and the 7 year old hates when anyone invades her space. It doesn't make for a good combination. The funny thing is, when they are separated for any length of time, they miss each other incredibly, and during that separation all they can talk about is when the other one will get home. When its time for bed, the 2 year old acts like you are literally beating her when you are laying her down (I know that's common for a 2 year old, but I've never seen it so excessive), whereas the 7 year old is out cold within 5 minutes. But, in the middle of the night or very early morning, the 7 year old wakes up and decides she needs to wake her sister up to play, which makes for a very cranky baby. I'm telling you, it is a vicious cycle and it happens daily. I feel like I'm a character in the remake of the movie "Ground hog day". It can be quite comical, but trying at the same time. You'd think after consistency and constant training, things would be changing. Don't get me wrong, things have changed dramatically from how they were when we first got them, but it seemed they stopped progressing after the 3rd month and we've been at a standstill ever since. My son feels that he is responsible for our 7 year old granddaughter when they are at school, which has led to conflict between the two. Its our fault, because we've always told him to make sure that she gets to her class, but when she's refusing to cooperate, which Down Syndrome people tend to do, it makes it quite hard on him. Another lesson learned! Do not put another child in charge of a mentally handicapped child.

I know that I sound like I'm complaining and maybe I am a little, but the fact remains that I truly love these girls and am thankful that God blessed us with them and that they are now safe from the violent lifestyle that they were living in. I just wanted to give people an idea of what foster families go through when taking in children. The money that they make, just barely covers the cost of raising a child, if that, and the emotional and mental toll it takes on the fostering family is definitely not worth the money. These girls are our granddaughters and it is still such a struggle, whereas foster parents taking in strangers have it tougher in some areas. Then again, not so tough in other areas, such as, there is a relationship with the parent that the children were taken from and they have to make a decision to be on the side of the children instead of that parent who may be a child, sister, brother, etc. to the relative foster parents. In our case, its our daughter that they were taken from and the reason they were taken was because of drug addiction and spousal abuse. We're not sure whether they were abused, but I wouldn't count it out. We have had to make the choice to turn our backs on our daughter to save our granddaughters. We are having to face the facts that we raised a child who has turned her back on her own children and has chosen addictions and relationships over her baby girls. Its quite heartbreaking if we were to dwell on it. But, lucky for us, we choose to dwell on Jesus Christ. He's the only reason we are able to look forward to the future and what it holds for us, our children, and our grandchildren. We have also come to terms with the fact that our daughter is choosing a lifestyle that will probably kill her if she doesn't get out of it. We are prepared for the worst, and yet we don't dwell on it. We will probably end up adopting our granddaughters because it doesn't look promising that she is going to turn her life around in the time frame that the state is giving her. If it comes to that, then we are going to have to change our thought process from grandparents to parents. No longer will we be known as Mema and Papa, but Mama and Daddy. They already call me Mama, and I don't correct them because they need to feel that they have a mommy and daddy present. It really is so sad that so many kids are let down and abandoned by their parents, but you are seeing it more and more in these days and times. It shows how far we have fallen from God. The verse that motivates me in my daily living with these children is Mark 9:42 42 “But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone hung around your neck.

I don't want to be the one who causes these little ones to fall. I want to be the one who will carry them through when they need to be carried and be there to support and cheer them on in their future.

Trusting in God

This past weekend we attended 3 services to send our core staff out from West Salem Foursquare to plant a church in Dallas, Oregon. To be honest, each service held something different in it and in each service I was touched by different things.

In the first service, which was Saturday evening, my brother-in-law was ordained as a fully licensed foursquare minister. I was so proud of him! I have to say, though, the part that choked me up the most was when my eyes drifted over to my sister, his wife, who was standing next him, and I saw my mom instead. I realized at that moment how much she has taken on my mom's mannerisms over the years. We were so blessed to grow up with the parents that we had and to take on the likeness of my mom is a true blessing in and of itself. I'm so thankful that God brought us here to be a part of such a great beginning.

One of the things that I took with me from those services actually came from Darrin, my brother-in-law, when he did the benediction. He talked about the difference between believing and trusting in God. I never really thought about it before like that. A good majority of the people believe in God, but how many of us truly trust in Him in all aspects of our lives? I recently, over the last several months, have begun to understand the difference between the two. To make the move we made from California to Oregon, we had to put our trust in God and believe that He would make a way for us. We believed and knew that he could, but we chose to trust and know that He would. That's the difference between belief and trust, its the knowing that God will take you through, no matter the circumstances. In Proverbs 3:5-6 it says

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.6 Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

Tonight as I think about all that God has in store for us and the future He's led us into, I can't help but to wait in anticipation like a child would on Christmas morning!

Starting Off the New Year

Wow, this last year went by in a blur! I'm so looking forward to this new year and pray that it will continue to bring changes in our lives that started at the end of 2011. We are now living in Dallas Oregon and braving the chilly and rainy weather. To be honest, I truly love this weather. I'm not so sure that Rob likes it as much as me, but I think he's starting to adjust. The kids are loving it out here and they are thriving. Raising the girls are a tough job, but we're praying that God's Will be done in their lives. Up here, in Oregon, we are considered family foster parents. We had to take foster parent classes, which I highly recommed to anyone who takes in children into their homes that are not their own. The coping skills they teach you are fantastic. 9 times out of 10, children that come to live in other people's/family's homes are ones that are coming from a not so good lifestyle, and there are going to be times when you are going to want to bang your head against a wall and ask God "why me?!" These classes gave me a better understanding, not to mention, they put me in contact with other families going through what we're going through. So many things come up on a daily basis that just blow my mind with these girls and make me realize that they've probably see things that I've never seen.
So, needless to say, we are going to start this year off with a bang and attempt to get our unruly crowd under control! ;-)